As a modern-day American parent, I’m always second-guessing how I’m raising my kids. Are they learning enough? Do they behave well enough? Am I raising successful future adults? Am I doing this whole parenting thing right?
I recently finished reading a book called “Hunt, Gather, Parent, What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans” by Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D.
While I was reading it, examples of everyday life, in my own home, and those of my close friends stood out.
So many of the day-to-day arguments, stress, and misunderstandings between parents and kids are addressed by the simple steps described in this book.
The author, Michaeleen, spent several months traveling the world with her 3-year-old daughter, Rosy. They interviewed and spent time with families from various cultures that do not follow the modern-Western way of raising children.
These families were not all completely cut off from modern technology, stuck in a time trap. But rather, they were far enough out of modern cities that they have been able to keep many of the skills and traditions taught throughout the generations alive.
WEIRD Parenting
Referencing a 2006 study by Joe Henrich and his colleagues, Michaeleen compares the WEIRD (Western, Educated, Industrialized, Rich, and Democratic societies) culture of modern-day Americans, to these “ancient cultures.”.
Today, in many Western homes, strict schedules are imposed by parents on their kids. Attending dozens of classes and activities to ensure they are learning and developing as they “should.”
And the commands. Oh, so many commands we give, especially to our little ones:
“Don’t climb on the wall.”
“Stop getting in the way.”
“Tell your aunty “thank you.”
“It’s time for bed, get ready NOW.”
Our modern way of parenting is often just plain stressful, for both us and our kiddos.
And in addition to all the things we “should” be doing with our kids, we are often doing them alone.
Modern-day American families consist of, hopefully, 2 parents (many families are single-parent homes), a few kids, and maybe a pet or 2.
There are no extra hands to jump in and help when things get tough. No wonder there is such a high rate of postpartum depression in Western culture. New moms feel trapped! Performing the job of an entire tribe without anyone to help or talk to.
Ancient Parenting
In comparison, the ancient culture households Michaeleen and Rosy spent time with, are usually made up of a variety of people.
Grandparents, aunties, cousins, and close friends either live in the same home or within walking distance. Building a community of alloparents.
Alloparenting
In Alloparenting, children are exposed to many loving caregivers throughout the day, both adults, and older children.
Unlike American parents, “ancient” parents can take a break, make dinner, or even enjoy a hot shower, knowing their children are being cared for by a loving family member or friend nearby.
With a strong team of alloparents, ancient culture parents are able to build an invisible safety net for their children. This invisible safety net allows children freedoms that many Western parents are not always comfortable giving.
Michaeleen discusses how in ancient culture children and parents work together as a TEAM instead of as advisories. This team dynamic allows for calmer families, with more responsible, caring children.
T– Togetherness
E– Encourage
A– Autonomy
M– Minimal Interference
T- Togetherness
Ancient Cultures enjoy spending time just being together with their children.
Western Parent
While Western parents often feel the need to constantly be teaching and entertaining their little ones, ancient cultures believe just being together is enough.
Michaeleen describes how she used to spend her Saturdays running around taking Rosy from one child-centered activity to another:
- Birthday parties for socialization
- Children’s museum for learning
- Pre-school classes
- Scheduled playdates with other parents she didn’t even enjoy spending time with.
It was exhausting!
She didn’t enjoy it and Rosy always seemed overstimulated and whiny at the end of the day.
Ancient Parent
After spending a while with a Mayan family, Michaeleen learned the secret of “just being together.”
Western parents constantly feel that they need to keep their children busy and entertained. While ancient cultures believe that adults have household tasks that need to be done and children are more than able to keep themselves busy.
By allowing for both parents and children to “do their own thing” neither of them feels pressure to “do something” when they are together. There’s no pressure to “overtalk” every little thing.
Mom can simply prepare dinner in the kitchen while her toddler plays blocks on the floor.
If the toddler is interested in helping, mom can welcome him to come to wash the carrots or stir the pot until he loses interest. No pressure, no arguing.
The author describes how a Hadzabe father and daughter spent time together just sitting together by the fire.
The dad had been making arrows on his own and his 6-year-old daughter wandered over and sat next to him. She watched him work for a bit then found a stick of her own and began drawing in the dirt. They hardly spoke a word to each other but were just happy being together.
E- Encourage
Ancient cultures also encourage children to freely choose things on their own.
Outside of school hours, children spend their days doing what they want.
While this may seem unproductive, or even dangerous, to many Western parents, it is actually a great way for children to learn new skills and develop.
Playing outside with friends of many ages builds social, problem-solving, and physical skills.
Older kids learn how to be compassionate caregivers and strong teachers to the younger kids. Younger kids learn new skills from older kids.
While the kids are choosing their own activities, the adults are often just living their own lives. And this is where the magic happens.
When adults are busy doing household tasks like cooking, hunting, or building things, the children play nearby, often watching.
If an adult needs simple help, they will include the child and ask them to “bring a cup of water” or “hold this.” But it is up to the child to decide how long they will stay and help.
If a child is very interested in an adult’s task, they may come near.
The adult will have them help or watch more closely to learn the skill.
After many hours, or often years, of watching and practicing, the child will slowly become capable of completing the task on their own. Becoming a skilled and capable member of society.
By simply encouraging the child to learn naturally, instead of pushing or dragging them along, they learn more willingly. Gaining skills in minutes when they are ready instead of hours when they’re not.
A- Autonomy
In Western culture, anxiety and stress play a more and more predominant role in our children’s lives. And as they grow, we end up with more and more adults with these same feelings of overwhelming anxiety.
Michaeleen describes what she learns from these ancient cultures and how to build a child’s confidence, preventing any feelings of loss of self-control.
Ancient culture children are given a very healthy dose of autonomy.
Each child is their own person, no matter how young, and should be able to make their own choices.
A strong invisible safety net of alloparents allows younger children to experience this autonomy safely while building their self-confidence.
Western Parent
Western toddlers are often surrounded by things like plastic child-proofing tools.
Pre-schoolers are told they can’t wear polka-dot pants with a striped shirt.
Elementary schoolers are told not to climb trees or run around barefoot.
Teens are tracked with their cell phones and required to check in every 30 minutes when they go out with their friends.
All of these “controls” make Western children feel like they are not capable of taking care of themselves. No wonder so many young adults feel incapable and anxious when they move out on their own!
Ancient Parent
Ancient culture children, on the other hand, are given as much autonomy as possible.
Toddlers learn not to touch a hot stove by mom pointing to it and saying “Ouch, that hurts!” She may even show the toddler a burn she received while cooking.
Instead of getting rid of all possible hazards, or keeping them on a leash, parents show toddlers what can happen so that they can learn to understand themselves.
If they are still too young to understand, parents will calmly remove the baby from the situation and try again next time.
If a Pre-schooler feels that polka-dots and stripes go together today, they are not stopped. Who cares? Let them show their style however they want, so long it is appropriate for the occasion.
Teens and tweens are coming into their own. Set them up for success as soon as you can. Have them schedule their own doctor’s appointments. Take them with you to the bank and learn to deposit and withdraw money. Let them start balancing a checkbook or paying bills. (Teach Kids About Money or Teach Kids to Budget)
Give children as much responsibility as they can handle. Knowing that they are a contributing member of the household and can handle things on their own will give them so much confidence.
And it builds closer relationships with their family.
M- Minimal Interference
“Imagine for a second, a little toddler learning to walk. Perhaps you picture the mother holding the baby’s hands. In the U.S., that’s often how it happens…But in the Yucatan, the same situation looks quite different.
The Maya mom goes right behind the child with arms stretched out, ready to catch her if they fall… From the child’s perspective, they are walking on their own with no help whatsoever.”
“Hunt, Gather, Parent” by Michaeleen Doucleff, Ph.D.
Modern Parents often feel the need to protect their children from every possible problem. From splinters in their foot to bad grades at school. We all want to keep our kids safe, but in reality, children are excellent “figure-outers.”
And this is exactly what ancient cultures expect.
Adults are there to simply teach and watch from a distance. Creating an invisible safety net so that the child doesn’t really get hurt, but has the freedom to figure things out for themselves.
In My House
My own children have become incredibly athletic and self-sufficient simply because I have RA.
Due to my not being able to physically chase them around and help them climb trees, they have had the opportunity to learn a lot about themselves.
As toddlers attempting to climb trees, they constantly heard “if you can climb up the tree yourself, you can climb down yourself.” And they climbed many a tree.
When they grew and smaller friends tried to copy them, they would try to push and pull their friends into the tree. Then the little voice in the back of their head (mine) reminded them that kids need to be able to get up the tree themselves so that they can safely get down themselves too.
Parents are just nearby to prevent real injuries.
Wrap- Up
“Hunt, Gather, Parent” was an awesome and very eye-opening parenting book. As a more free-range homeschool mommy myself, it really resonated with me.
If you ever feel like life with your child is a constant battle, or even just more battling that you’d like to be doing, I highly suggest checking out “Hunt, Gather, Parent.” It will open you up to a relationship with your child you might never have thought possible.
What do you think? Have you found some awesome ways to build the relationship between you and your kids? Tricks to ensure you are raising confident capable adults?
Leave a comment below and join the conversation.