How to talk to your partner about money.
Do you know that, according to a 2018 Ramsey Solutions study, money arguments are the second leading cause of divorce, after infidelity? That’s insane! But I totally believe it. You need to talk to your partner about money.
Many of us were raised thinking money was a taboo subject.
“It’s impolite to ask about someone else’s salary.”
“This is an adult conversation, go play outside.”
“We don’t talk about Bruno!” Oops, I mean Dinero. Moola. Money!
Everyone grows up with a different family financial situation and different ways of thinking about money.
But once you get married, it’s so important to make sure you’re on the same page.
Spenders Vs Savers
Some people are spenders.
Spenders are people who are focused on the now and think money is no object! YOLO!
Weekly, or daily, Target runs are their favorite thing to do.
They love big houses, fancy clothes, and going out to eat whenever possible!
Some people are savers.
Savers are people who are focused on the future. They put large percentages of their paychecks into retirement accounts.
Planning is their way of life! How can we cut down the grocery bill this week? Do the kids really need new shoes now? Maybe they can wait for the clearance sale next month.
They crave security.
And inevitable, spenders and savers usually marry each other! This is where marital money mishaps can come into play.
If you and your spouse are not completely on the same page financially, it might be time to get the conversation started.
Talk To Your Partner About Money: Start the Conversation
Ideally, the money conversation will start before marriage. But most of the time, new lovebirds only think of romance, sex, and maybe cheaper rent (now that you only need one house instead of 2).
But once you get to building a life together, the harder things start to emerge, like kids, schedules, and finances.
Maybe you’ve recently noticed you’re in debt and need to start building a budget together.
Or you have started to see some tinsel in your hair and realized your retirement fund is not as padded as you’d like. (Check out my article on Late Start Retirement)
Whatever the reason is that is suddenly making you think it’s time to discuss money with your spouse, it is essential to approach the subject respectfully.
Make It a Date
For most people, discussing money is not their favorite thing. It’s icky and smells funny.
So if you want to start bringing your partner and you together, make it as fun and calm as possible. Make it a literal date.
Plan ahead of time. Let your spouse know you’d like to have a money date this Saturday night.
Send the kids to bed, or better yet, send them to grandma’s.
Break out a bottle of wine. (Or beer, or tea, or kombucha. Whatever beverages you like best.)
Have a nice meal. Don’t forget dessert!
And begin discussing your dreams together.
Talk To Your Partner About Money: Build Dreams Together
If you’re the financially savvy half of the pair and your spouse could care less so long they can get their coffee every morning, presenting them with a spreadsheet of expenses is not gonna bring them on board.
The first thing you should discuss is the dreams you both want to accomplish.
- Maybe you both want to ensure your children can go to college debt free. (Debt-Free College)
- Do you live far from family and want to be able to visit both sets of grandparents every year?
- Are you sick of your job and want to move to part-time work you can do from home?
Think big! Think Small!
Make a list of all the things you both want to accomplish together as a family. (And individually because that will affect the family as well.)
Once you have a list of dreams, you can begin looking at what it will take to reach those dreams.
This will probably take more time than you can handle in one date, so make sure to keep the money discussion part short and fun. Then schedule another date in a week or 2.
Figure Out How to Get There
Your dreams are your destination. When you have both agreed on where you would like to go, it’s time to figure out how to get there.
If you both want to get rid of debt, figure out what you need to do in order to accomplish that. (Check out my article about Paying off Debt)
Maybe visiting both sets of grandparents would cost $6,000 a year between planes, hotels, cars, and meals. What changes can you make to ensure that money gets put aside each year so you can build those special memories?
Figure out the cost of each thing on your dreams list and when you want to accomplish them, then do the math backward.
Couple Example:
Sandy (37) and Joe (36) have 3 dreams:
- Pay off their mortgage before they turn 50
- Retire from their full-time jobs by 55 (Joe likes his job though and would still want to do consulting part-time)
- Take 3 small vacations/staycations ($1,500) every year and 1 BIG vacation ($9,000) every 3 years
After doing the math, they realize in order to accomplish these dreams they will need to:
- Pay an extra $700 a month on their mortgage
- Put an extra $1,000 a month in their retirement funds
- Save about $625 a month in a vacation fund
These sound like some lofty goals adding an extra $2,325 a month to their necessary expenses. But when they went back to look at their current monthly spending, Sandy and Joe realized it was actually doable if they made a few changes.
What Can Sandy and Joe Do?
As busy working parents, their family often stopped by fast-food restaurants multiple times a week for dinner. If they could take advantage of their crock pot a few times a week, or meal prep on the weekend instead of stopping at Jack in the Box, they could save a few hundred dollars each month.
Instead of going to the pricey gym near his house, Joe can cancel his membership and take advantage of the onsite facilities at his job. Or spend the same amount of money for one year of membership to purchase a few key pieces of equipment and build a home gym in the backyard.
Sandy is able to get Over Time hours at work. By signing up for a few OT shifts a month to increase their income.
Joe will probably need a new car in a few years. Instead of buying another gas-guzzling SUV as he has now, he’s going to get a more fuel-efficient car and save money on gas. (Buying a New Car? Needs vs Wants)
By looking at ways they can cut unnecessary costs or bring in extra money, that big scary number slowly becomes more doable. So long they build a plan and work together.
Avoid Playing the Blame Game
When the subject of money comes up, especially when debt and overspending are involved, it is easy to point fingers.
“Your daily coffee habit is putting us in the poor house!”
“Your video games cost more than our kids’ daycare!”
You, you, you! Bad, bad, bad!
No one is going to want to discuss money and goals if they feel like they’re being badgered.
When it comes time to look at your money situation, evaluate your spending together, and figure out solutions you can both agree on.
Maybe that morning coffee is just a habit that can be broken with a good coffee maker at home. Or maybe that coffee stop is her moment of adult social interaction after a nonstop whirlwind of kids.
Those video games could just be a waste of time. Or they could be his way of meditating for a few minutes between work and home responsibilities.
Whichever it is, round up the bank statements and determine where your money is going. Then together, discuss how your money and time can be better spent to achieve your dreams.
Make sure to leave room for fun.
Don’t Go All or Nothing
When you first start changing your money habits, it is important to pace yourself.
Suddenly cutting out all eating out, all full-priced groceries, or all FUN will get old fast.
Maybe you decide on a no spend month where you try not to spend ANY unnecessary money.
Gas and veggies, ok. New shoes, movie theater, or Target holiday section, no.
During that month, you might find that you can do without certain things that have simply become a habit to spend money on. You will also realize what you really miss and need to build room for in the budget.
Give yourselves grace as you work together to build a new way of handling money.
Talk To Your Partner About Money: Regularly Check In
Once you have your first money date, it can become a fun regular event in your life.
Some couples like to plan an informal weekly check-in every Sunday.
They send the kids outside after lunch and go over their weekly bills, and discuss the upcoming schedule of work and kids, and meal plan.
Other couples have more formal money dates yearly or every few months.
They spend a weekend at a Bed and Breakfast. Bring their computers and spreadsheets. Then work through their financial lives adjusting investments, checking off accomplishments, and coming up with more dreams for next year!
How We Do It
Personally, we discuss money almost weekly. It can be as simple as what bills we have coming up this month. Or maybe Mr. Bean got a raise and we need to figure out how much we want to increase which automatic investment contributions. (How I Hide Money From Myself by Making It Automatic)
Figure out what works for your family and make it a regular thing but not too long. Deep conversations can feel like a punishment
Money discussions should be an enjoyable way for you to both accomplish your dreams. Be open to shorter discussions as they come up.
Wrap-Up
Discussing money as a couple is a crucial part of a successful marriage. Make it fun. Work together. And build your dream life together.
How have you approached money discussions with your partner? Share your tips and tricks in the comments below.
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